[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
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[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
Cha-ching is my safe word
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
how to have an accident 101
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.