Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

911?

~He’s eating Top Ramen!

911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water

~NO! He’s eating it like soup!

911: That’s fucked up

~I KNOW RIGHT

If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up

Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.

My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture

I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble

“So sorry” – Actually sorry

“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry

“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all

“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me

Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.

Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.

So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.

He told me I was too pretty not to smile.

So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.

Now I’m smiling.

Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.

wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes

Streamers say ‘mods’ the same way a medieval lord would say ‘guards’

Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.

Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.

[gets on Facebook]

[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]

[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]

“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary

Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.

– No child ever.

Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.

Ps. Shut it, maths police.

starting a new competition called Bad Olympics where you’re not allowed to compete if you have any sort of natural advantage that makes you good at a sport

My parents just called.

M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.

ME: You should watch it from the beginning?

M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.

ME: Okay.

M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?

You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.

Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.

just spent a solid 6 seconds concerned about the sounds my stomach was making before realizing it was a motorcycle outside

“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”

“What’s that Sarge?”

“Someone’s building a pig.”

A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!

Passenger Announcement: For all those going to the yodelling competition in Geneva, please go to Gate 37 and form an orderly orderly orderly queue.

My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family

I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.

I just stabbed a pin in my arm.

Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’