Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
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Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
paycheck hit i’m at michaels arts and crafts supply store telling them to bring out Michael
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck