Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Three things that are certain in life~

1) Death

2) Paying taxes

3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….

Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.

What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?

Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.

Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it

Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.

squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”

If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.

Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.

Me: I’m going to turn the fan with this screwdriver after you push that button, okay?

Friend: *reaching for button, pausing* Um, this won’t electrocute us both, right?

Me: Probably not.

Friend: PROBABLY?

Me: It’s an imperfect world. Now push the button, please.

“I’ll drink to that.”

-me to my next drink

liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it

4 AM

BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there

In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.

My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.

Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.

I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.

Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.

When someone trying to leave me

I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.

These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before

Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.

My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.

8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.

[writing Jurassic Park 2]

Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT

Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-

Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN

And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.

“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”

You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner

Me: *drowning*

My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!