Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.

Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?

Aliens: take me to your leader

Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?

once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water

swamp ghosts tricked me into revealing the location of my waffle stash, again

I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.

The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight

I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.

I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.

Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!

I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around

writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it

[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]

*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…

My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”

Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.

2000: I don’t want no scrubs

2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.

I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.

Her: I’m leaving you

Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?

Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.

Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?

So your kid can speak 3 languages?

That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.

I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.

DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]

My husband got rid of a big spider from the bedroom window using a pair of boxer shorts the other night. He waved them out of the window to shake the spider off. It was late at night and he wondered if this might be considered a sign for certain people.

[high]

ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing

FRIEND: wait, u mean-

ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere

A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.

Like, uh… talk?

me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi

3yo: Mommy, I wish I had a twumpet.
Me: Mmmm well I do not.
3yo: But I would love to play a big loud twumpet sound
Me: As I mentioned in my previous email (see attached)–

me: am I awake or dreaming

a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is

Me: I’m a haredresser

Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?

Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?

Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.

HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?