Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.

I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters

Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”

Who were the kings of disco?

A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees

My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.

2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.

*lands on other planet*

“Take me to your pain medication”

You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.

Waiter: And how did you find the wine?

Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table

Net flips and krill?

– killer whale text

Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for

Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?

My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.

Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.

For the first half of my life, I thought you could only poop at home. Now I know you can poop anywhere

– my 5yo, unprompted

Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet

I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.

That’ll blow his Lil mind

Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.

Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*

It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens

Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.

Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?

My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely

If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.

Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”

I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.

Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.

(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)

[my first day as a psychologist]

patient: i’ve been hearing voices

me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours

(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide

7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.

M: Join the club.

I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.