Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6 year old: I saw a car today that was kind of cool but very ugly. Have you seen it?

me: yeah, I’ve seen it

I need a hobby so I think I’m
gonna start calling the phone numbers on missing cat posters and just “meow” at whoever answers

Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe

*has kids*

Also me: Not like that

A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.

At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.

every TV pilot:

“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”

“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”

*checks kid’s backpack*

*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*

*zips backpack and walks away*

Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-

Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]

Shania Twain: oh shit wow

I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office

– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch

I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting

ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…

SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.

whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.

Why don’t ants get sick?

Because they have antybodies

My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.

How can you tell when a duck is a witch?

I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.

Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral

Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”

I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality

My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*

Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!

My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*

I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one

Vodka is essentially odorless. That wasn’t what tipped off co-workers.

well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me

“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah

Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go

“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”

– people with stupid names

Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.

Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.

Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate