FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
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I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Saturday
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
it’s been 10 years since the rumour came out…
Don’t tell me what to do
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Hey i am sexy to you now
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
i wish we could shoplift online