FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
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A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
damn he’s good
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Herpes is trending, good job people
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.