Friend: any plans for the fall?
Me: do you meant autumn or civilization?
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always very funny to me when people get all dressed up for thanksgiving. you’re going to stand around your nana’s house do we really need to be doing business casual here
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
Um, yes, I love this place. How much is the deposit?
“Ma’am, this is a psych ward.”
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
