Friend: any plans for the fall?
Me: do you meant autumn or civilization?
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Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
If you see a lady in her bikini chasing her hot tub lid on highway 6, I’m not on drugs and you should mind your own business or help me.
when you are just born a rebel
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Why it’s so many prime days?
They broke ?
A toddler made fun of me today, and I got weirdly upset for a guy who can have a cookie literally whenever he wants.