Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
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[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Been trying to eat healthier. Saw this sign and was just like “damn. I sure do.”
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief