Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.

I once read a book about an assassin that would identify at least 5 items in any room that he could use to kill everyone else in the room with him if need be.
When I enter a room I identify at least 5 places I could take a nap if I need to.

It turns out when someone asks who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to choose from your own. I know that now.

Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.

My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.

*gets down on one knee*

Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?

Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.

Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.

Daughter: I don’t know what that means.

put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control

🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶

Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING

I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.

I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.

I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.

Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead

-a valentine from the Predator

Tide Pods need a little seasoning?

Sprinkle some bath salts on top.

When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less

The guy:

[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me

Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.

Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.

All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.

Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?

A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?

‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”

I’m forming a Wham! cover band with 3 other bald guys called Hairless Whisper.

People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!

People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?

People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.

*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect

Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR

cw: what did you do at the weekend?

me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal

cw: I think you mean belated?

m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean

I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.

*Takes off FitBit*

Ok, weigh me now

[walking into a store on september 1st]

employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!