Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
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I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
We will use anything but the metric system
I always order shredded iceberg lettuce on my Subway sandwich because I know my lap is probably hungry too
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
waiter: did you enjoy your meal
me: honestly not really
waiter: yeah your meal sucked. why would you order that. back in the kitchen we were all like why the hell did he order this. it was hilarious. jesus christ man. gotta be one of the worst orders ever