Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf

Trying to keep the riff raff away.

exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost

My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.

The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them

If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.

Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…

except when it rains.

{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?

*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”

Wow. That’s good

bros in the example zone 😭

so much oil in my hair rn america’s plotting an invasion

My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.

If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.

The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.

*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*

You can’t outrun your problems…

Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef

That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.

Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!

Huh. You look upset.

Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.

Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap

We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.

Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!

Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!

Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?

When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.

[plot twist] ur buried vertically

A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.

Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!

-Librarians arguing

i am at my thanksgiving table observing personality disorders that have not been identified yet

You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.

[Doctor’s Office]

Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….

Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*

My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.

I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.