Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at seance]

Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.

Ghost Husband: I’m here.

Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.

Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”

My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.

[Job Interview]

Boss: What’s your biggest wea-

Me: Interrupting people.

Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid

Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-

Me: the bottom half

Waiter: very good, sir

I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?

Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.

Being a serial killer is much like being a comedian, in that you either hit it big and get your own Netflix special, or you spend eternity popping up on shitty podcasts

Bully: gimme ur sandwich

Me [pulls knife]

Bully: hey man I don’t want any-

Me: -crusts. i know

My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog

telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead

Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music

I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.

No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.

I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.

🙄

Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?

A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.

*1941 movie pitch*

“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”

Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”

me: I’d like to represent myself

judge: ok

me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty

me: *removing mustache* wait what

Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.

Aw man, but that’s the best part

Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.

Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.

The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.

LinkedIn: where you desperately hope that one idiot you had a drink with six years ago can somehow help get you a job.

Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.

“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”

-3 year olds

I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine

Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.

[in music class]

Teacher: Be sure to take good notes

Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?

Ancient wolves be like:

Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.