friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
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I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
I’d rather fork than spoon.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
3% human
97% stress
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions