friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
You Might Also Like
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”