Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies

Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.

Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?

If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.

A letter home from Burning Man:

“My Dearest Martha:

I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”

This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.

9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.

Me:

9yo:

Me: Can I go back to sleep now?

A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.

It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.

drive thru: can I take your order?

me: no I want it

We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:

Omelet Easydozen

Florentine Pepperbatter

some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]

Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw

Don’t wait until you’re on your death bed to let them know how you feel. You may be too weak to raise your middle finger.

You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.

The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.

I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.

Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.

My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.

You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch

ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now

FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—

ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all

You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.

If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?

I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.

I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.

My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”

[job interview]

Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …

Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.

My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.

Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”

Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”

Me: “A divorce lawyer.”