Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
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WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Isn’t it odd that “read” is pronounced like “lead”, while “read” is pronounced like “lead”?
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
