Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: this is my horse, mayo

friend: why did you call him that?

mayo: [neighs]

Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before

“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”

[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass

[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer

Me: This edible isn’t working.

Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.

3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery

If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!

18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.

Me: …

I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.

Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.

I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.

Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.

“And what did you bring home this week?”

– Parents of sick kids during the 1st month of them going back to school

Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.

[spider’s junk email folder]

-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$

-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU

-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY

I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.

*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell

[Family BBQ]

Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!

Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.

Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*

[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA

My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.

They’re his watch dogs.

Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-

Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!

While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.

They grow up so fast.

I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.

genie: hello-

me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade

That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants

A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses

I had a friend growing up who named his dog “dog”. He recently had a baby and I’m disappointed he didn’t do the same thing. Dog would be such a cool name for a baby.

The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.

I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.

Why do people say “get well soon”?

Why don’t you want me to get well now?