Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.

Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.

Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up

male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives

What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?

An investigator.

Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.

Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food

I’ve never seen a runner smiling.

So that’s all I need to know about that.

If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.

It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.

Him: This fish is too fishy.

Me: How’s your water? Too wet?

my sister, since we’re at a 10-hour time difference now, which means that she lives “in the future”

A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:

Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”

It really annoys me when people use the wrong word and don’t have the humidity to admit it

Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”

Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.

I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.

Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.

I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.

Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here

I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.

[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happened

bad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK

passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best

[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*

If I was pregnant and people asked when I was due I would say what do you mean

12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…

Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants

12yo: WHAT

<at first day of t-ball practice>

Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.

(trying to convince my friends to hang out at wells fargo and drink the free coffee instead of going to bars to save money) it’s popping at the farg tonight!

I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.

“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.