Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
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I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
Trust my gut? The thing that makes weird gurgling noises immediately when a work meeting goes quiet.
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
😩😩😩
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
wtf is a larm clock?
My mom says if I’m a good boy, I can be the captain of the gravy boat at Thanksgiving this year.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
new bit: referring to my husband as my “ex-boyfriend”
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.