Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
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Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
Thoughts
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
Please do it!
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.