Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
You Might Also Like
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
“Ooh you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: I could make toast by placing bread on your face.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
banana peels are my favorite fall accessories
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
new career option?
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
I’m glad it’s not snowing. I can’t imagine shoveling snow in this heat
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
I just told my husband I found a giant active wasp nest in our backyard and he said “I know! I saw that a few days ago!” so we got to have a lecture about “see something, say something.”
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.