Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
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I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
don’t let anyone tell you, you can’t do something. show them you can’t.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
thinking about the time i ran into my brother serendipitously on the streets of manhattan and he said hi and kept walking like we were in a hallway in our house
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.