Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.

The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.

I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.

“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing

HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?

ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.

Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me

Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-

Me: *glares*

Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.

I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.

Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.

eye doctor: please read the top line

me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad

eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading

The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”

if you sweat while you eat it should count as a workout

Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.

buyer: does this van have child locks

me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it

me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.

friend: what happened?

me: it got stuck in a tree.

me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow

WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.

There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.

Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?

This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.

New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!

Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?

*shoots kneecap*

How bout now?

ME: rock, paper, scissors

PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all

I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.

Introverts hate small talk. They LOVE tickle fights but they’re shy. They want you to start

Picking up some anvils, tunnel paint, and dynamite balloons

Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE

Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.