Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on phone with quit smoking coach]

coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills

me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1

coach: that’s great! what is it?

me: being awake

The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.

If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.

Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*

Phone: *ding*

Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?

Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.

Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned

My kids:

I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow

Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”

Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.

I almost just turned down a beer.

Calm down, I said almost.

My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.

Erm…

*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*

I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.

I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.

*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.

Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.

My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.

The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring

No one :

Me when I swimming :

I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.

Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial

It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…

yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away

If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!

[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together

I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.

*having an ultrasound*

dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..

patient: omg what!?

dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.

patient: intruder?

dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU

nurse: umm i think she is having twins?

dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.

The first 7 days of the week aren’t for me

Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?

This is my emotional support yacht 🎀