Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!

Every Political Ad Ever:

I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*

*[at the sperm bank]*

I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.

ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.

[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]

scooby: RIVORCE???

Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.

FBI: oops wrong one

I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.

those beautiful naked women have made a compelling argument i’m going to steer this ship into the rocks

We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.

I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.

Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)

I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice

Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.

Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.

– texts to my bed

I might start telling people I’m 10 years older than I actually am just so they can tell me how great I look for my age.

in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…

our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score

How to make infinite energy.

My vegetarian sister discovered we were all in a separate group chat without her, sharing delicious food photos, called Secret Meat Up

cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them

I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”

My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.

Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently

Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?

GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale

WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point

Katy perry I have listened to your new song backwards and I understand the mission. Sleeper cell activated

Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?

FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?

Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*

Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.