Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.

It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.

[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those

I saw you checking me out.

Cashier: Literally my job, sir.

ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means

What if the Trump assassin’s real goal all along was to break up Tenacious D

Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science

*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…

Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!

Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!

Him: Don’t do it! Get out!

Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!

50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun

50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST

We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”

i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled

What do you mean I can’t change the past?

*logs on to Wikipedia*

Spreads legs… Nope

Spreads two other legs …. Nope

Spreads two others …. Dammit, no

Spreads last two…. BINGO!!

– spider sex

Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza

Karate and loose meat sandwiches.

Welcome to Sloppy Dojo’s. I’ll be your sensei for this evening.

All salads come with our own roundhouse dressing

dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩‍⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️‍♀️👶

Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.

I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”

Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.

british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?

british guy: tea

british waiter: jolly good choice

[both laugh britishingly]

My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.

Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.

A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.

[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down

Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.

The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.

I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.

“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”

Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.