Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”

-Jesus

Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.

[2 minutes later]

*house is on fire*

[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor

[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT

2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs

What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes

*At the bar

Me)May I sit here?

Her)I have a boyfriend

Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down

I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”

“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.

Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.

there’s music for literally every activity

STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.

The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.

Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.

[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?

“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair

Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.

[ from bed ]

*accio coffee*

damnit it didn’t work again

School be like

Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.

Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.

If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.

[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*

“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”

Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.

You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.

Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”

Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.

“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.