Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
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Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
*watches the world burn*
live footage of daylight savings taking the sun away at 4pm
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Bro, you’re not allowed to have your tongue drop out of your mouth and form a stair case when you see my wife anymore
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
My coffee and I used to be hot. Now, we’re just bitter.
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit