Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
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Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
Dogs can’t take cross-sectional X-rays and make three dimensional medical images.
Cats can.
Sidled up to a busker who’d just murdered a Franz Ferdinand song yesterday and whispered “this is exactly how the First World War started”.
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”