Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
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[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
“You’re so funny!”
Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Climax comes before effort, but only in a dictionary.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.