Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
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Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
Katy perry I have listened to your new song backwards and I understand the mission. Sleeper cell activated
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
I hate elevators, they give me vertigo
I take many steps to avoid them
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”