Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.

Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.

Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?

For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.

Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago

Me: It’s the next exit.

Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*

*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell

Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.

Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab

6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?

Taxidermist: He will not

[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going

ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?

*slides over pic of him with another dog*

JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.

[On phone with circus]

Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”

Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”

Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”

Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”

Hannibal: *hangs up

*lying in bed*

*drops chip down cleavage*

*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it

*also, mmmmm, breakfast*

Had a spot of bother earlier.

Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.

Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…

Him: Steve…my name is Steve.

Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.

I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.

If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together

if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler

I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.

I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.

Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game

Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough

Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life

Wife: Yes of course!

Medium: He has something to say to you

Wife: omg go on

Medium: woof

[karate class]

Sensei: break this board with your hands

Me: why can’t I use an axe?

Sensei: because I hate you

Anakin: I built my droid from scratch

Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life

Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol

Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!

Me: that’ll all stop once you show up

Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.

lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you

[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.