Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
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Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
2 years later
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?