Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*

me: why so glum, ghost?

ghost: i’m just going through some stuff

[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.

him: I think we should see other people

me: is that on hulu or netflix

After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.

So I bought a second pair.

Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless

I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you

I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust

*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:

[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]

Me: lol buddy…

Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary

If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”

My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?

Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)

How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?

I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.

If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone

I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.

[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.

If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”

Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.

Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.

tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup

“Dadd-”

“No.”

“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”

“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”

Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude

I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.

13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.

Me: What were you doing earlier?

13: Resting so I could stay up late.

*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look*

*hours later*
Me: oh SHIT

How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”

My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something

I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.

I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.

He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!

#jokes

yeah nice try. not falling for that again