Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.

This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.

So many true crime podcasts are just like “a young woman went missing, the police took a week to respond, she was last seen with a man the community call Creepy Murdery Steve, he has never been questioned”

[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over

Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night

Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”

“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”

Never forget.

A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”

Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in June

Me: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price

Mom:-

Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF

[rollercoaster]

HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.

I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”

At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.

I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…

Im on the metro and a guy just went “wow!!!” real loud and i assumed it was about the trump verdict but he’s actually just looking at pictures of pandas

captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.

My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”

My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.

There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.

Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.

an airline just for babies.

date catches me googling “how to hamburger” when she asks if i can cook

[loud crashes]

Me: What was that?

4-year-old: Nothing.

Me:

4:

Me: OK.

Parenting is easier than it looks.

WHY?!

You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread

I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.

Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan

Me: How much for the snake hamster?

Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret

dentist: have you been flossing

me: have you?

dentist: [to assistant] can he do that