Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
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My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
It’s pretty embarrassing how all these guys keep falling for this cute bartender’s flirting, when it’s obvious she’s totally into me.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
The sacred texts.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.