Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
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So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it