Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.

Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.

My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?

Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable

Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.

Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.

sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”

Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.

If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!

Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*

Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*

Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.

[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries

So much to do right now

*cracks open beer*

So much to do tomorrow

I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.

-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.

Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.

To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.

A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”

Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.

LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”

CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?

As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.

Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.

Him: You hit me three times!

Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.

[Restaurant]

“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”

Yes please

“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”

If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.

6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?

Me: They can’t get in.

6: Why not?

Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.

Me [all day]: tired

Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?

I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.

Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?

CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.

Goodyear: tires

Badyear: 2020

Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?

Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons

Ed:

Ed: fsh

Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.