Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter

Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then

me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick

*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”

“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”

One Tree Hill in 2009:

Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.

when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:

In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money

I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.

DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A

DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it

Whenever I see anyone tweeting about donuts, I think “ugh”. Not because I’m disgusted by deep-fried sugary treats, but because those are the letters I want to insert into the spelling.

In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.

Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.

The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.

If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.

After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.

[During sex]

Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?

My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?

Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*

ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful

Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.

I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?

ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.

Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.

So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.

If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.

best heckle of my life. I just did the setup to a joke and a drunk lady in the front shouts out “that’s too niche!”

knights of the ikea table

Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard

I’m fine

Let me make this abundantly clear

– window makers probably

Toxic snake

“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.

I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁