[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
You Might Also Like
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
We are never ever ever getting back together 🎶
Tupperware lids
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.