Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team

Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail

Kid at my door: Trick or treat

Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?

The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.

I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.

Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.

I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.

Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.

Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.

[sams club]

ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!

LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?

ME: Uhh, I left it at home.

LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.

ME: Please! I’ll be quick.

Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.

Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.

Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–

a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping

Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese

Roses are red,
Wine is red,
Poems are hard,
Wine.

(Not mine, but very lovely)

Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.

[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.

*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house

waiter: how did u find your meal sir?

me: i… i looked down

me: check out that beach body

other forensic detective: stop calling it that

When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.

ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me

[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting

HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—

ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.

if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.

awkward

Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.

To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, access

Then check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check it

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)

Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”

What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon