Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE

They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.

Or bees.

Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN

Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.

If you show up to a baby shower holding a sickle, nobody complains that you didn’t bring a gift.

*a snake wearing one skinny jean*

She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche

cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume

me: is there a law against it?

cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession

I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.

[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]

Me: hi I think we were separated at birth

Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.

Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ

if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer

You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed

Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?

Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?

My 3yo said scales measure how fast we are. So anyway, I stepped on our scale and I’m a lot faster than I thought I was.

I fell off a podium in front of 200 people after doing a reading at my uncle’s funeral, hobbled back to my pew with a swollen sprained ankle, sat down turned to my son and he asked me for a snack

Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.

It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.

Girl: Do you have protection?

Me: Um like a sword?

Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage

*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them

The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.

Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.

[First Date]

Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)

Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome

Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-

Guy: *grazing*

Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.

“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.

when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures

[Hospital Parking Lot]

Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.

Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.

Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat

Exec: not convinced

Writer: they’re mutants?

Exec: it needs to appeal to kids

Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists

me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start