Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?

I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.

The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there

for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies

squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!

I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument

*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*

When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice

Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.

Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.

It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??

We can’t land research equipment on Venus because the heat melts the circuitry, so NASA should build rovers made from fat-free cheese because nothing can melt that garbage.

me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true

me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true

I used to work with a woman who was going to name her baby Jonkeykong and I assumed she was naming the baby after Donkeykong so I said maybe you should name it after a different arcade game and she said that’s silly why would I name my baby after an arcade game

Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature

Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature

Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the lightsaber at home tomorrow

As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.

Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.

If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.

bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”

dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit

you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does

My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.

Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.

I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.

[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing

[later, at my place]

Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom

99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.

I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!