[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
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Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you