[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
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I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Sir!!
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.