Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
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Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
No Google it does not
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Me: School tomorrow! Hahahaha!
Child: Work today and for the rest of your life.
Me: Dammit.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.