Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bf dropped his head for a full 30 seconds of silence bc he was explaining the stock market crash to me and I sagely supplied “it’s because mercury went into retrograde yesterday”

You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.

“So here’s a bit ab how the interview process will work:

1. initial phone screening
2. in-person interview
3. American Ninja Warrior course
4. fight to the death

If you have any questions ab this or the low-paying, entry-level job opportunity, pls don’t hesitate to ask 🤗.”

They need an Olympic event where competitors see how long they can work a dead end job.

I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture

I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.

Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.

*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”

*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*

OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.

Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.

Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out

[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are

can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in

[at the gym]

GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.

Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.

Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.

Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-

Me: Is this even a garden??

Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.

To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”

Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]

All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.

My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated

*wakes up in cremation oven*

FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!

In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.

yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter

*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”

Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax

Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.

Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?

Me: why?

Her: who vacuums their bed?

Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.

I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.

me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?

HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night

ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?

HIM: I have to go now