Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
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I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Me: I’ve been seeing spots lately.
Daughter: Have you seen a doctor?
Me: No, just spots.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine