Friend, at my first Pride: are you disappointed?
Me, dressed as a lion: no it’s fine
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Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.