Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”

“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf

“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”

“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”

Husband: *choking on a Dorito*

Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?

Me: ‘Goodnight.’

Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’

Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?

Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”

My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”

I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”

Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…

I don’t know how to mop my kitchen floor without pretending l’m cleaning up a gruesome crime scene.

Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.

I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.

therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that

My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”

Me: “Santa died”

*gf making spaghetti*

Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?

Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!

Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the lightsaber at home tomorrow

It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.

Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.

I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.

I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.

Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.

I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still

I like to move it.

But not move it move it.

Just the one move it.

[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?

Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me

I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence

Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars

Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful

grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-

*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*

grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me