Friend at work gave me some edibles. So I’m taking the train instead of driving.
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Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
it must be school picture day
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
Things will get butter, keep churning
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house