Friend at work gave me some edibles. So I’m taking the train instead of driving.
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Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
If I win the lottery I’m buying four politicians and some really nice shoes.
I will eventually talk about something other than Cyberpunk, but they just gave me a quest to teach a vending machine to swear, so that won’t be today.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
For the baby who has everything
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011