Friend at work gave me some edibles. So I’m taking the train instead of driving.
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They are only bad decisions if you get caught
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.