Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time

By age 35 you should:

-live in a cave on a mountain

-hate everyone

-try to destroy christmas at least once

-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails

Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’

Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.

Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”

I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.

[slashing food truck tires]

friend: wtf are you doing?!

[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!

They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer

Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.

If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.

kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up

me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ

My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.

WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer

according to every romcom i’ve ever seen, i should find love at the airport today . will keep all of you posted

squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago

Me: I’m totally getting used to this

Husband: getting used to what?

Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff

Husband: again getting used to what?

[Silence]

Me: I hate you

The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”

Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction

Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations

Genie: I will grant you one wish

Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind

Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle

Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper

[First date]

Her: I love to travel.

Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.

I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice

ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.

CLERK: Satin?

ME: No, new please.

there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps

FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.

SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t

When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.

Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.

Did it hurt, when my ice cream outlasted yours?