Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.

Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on

Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”

[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*

Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.

Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.

you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid

I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed

Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.

O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.

[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO

Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!

Her: really?

Me: nah, you do look tired though.

A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…

Sometimes, I have to remind myself that just because my 13yo is much taller than me doesn’t mean he’s in charge.

A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.

I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate

I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔

I need a stunt double for when I’m navigating my way to the bathroom at 2 am.

“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder

The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.

I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.

Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.

this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead

Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]

Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.

Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.

me: i just saw a huge rat

starbucks employee: what

me: sorry i just saw a venti rat

employee: omg where

The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.

I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok

11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…

Me: Grounded.