Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.

A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.

Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.

i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body

Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good one

Mouth: Haven gice done

I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon

The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.

Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.

Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!

[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.

Her: We need to talk.

*vultures begin circling over me*

STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant

DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…

STICK BUG WIFE: …and?

DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick

Her: Penny for your thoughts?

Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?

Her:

Me:

Her: Can I have my money back please?!

Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.

Me: Did you look in your purse?

Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!

Me:

Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…

I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.

Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

All soups are gazpacho if you’re lazy enough

If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.

Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.

I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit

The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself

my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog

Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…

Me: *walking in front of husband at store*

Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”

Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*

SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you

“I’m so stoked!”

-An excited fireplace

I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.

INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?

ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.

The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline