Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
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Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
As I get older, I remember all of the people I lost along the way…
Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t the right choice.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
the noise i just made
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
A hammock is a terrible place to give or receive bad news.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.