Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
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In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
Awesome parenting 😂