@MarfSalvador

Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that

[Later in bedroom]

Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?

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@WittySassBasket

A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.

@bewgtweets

My dad: you know how you Love Christmas

12 yo me: yes

My dad: How would you feel about two of them

@mack44_d

I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.

@AngelaHelga

I’m saving myself for marriage.

Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.

@chuckconry

Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.

@PoodleSnarf

Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?

Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS

Interviewer:

Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?

@50ShadesGran

Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.

@DaddyJew

Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers