A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
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My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers