Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog

yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁

I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.

Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.

My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.

[sexting]

HER: I want u so bad

ME: badly

HER: what?

ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb

HER: you don’t sext very good

ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL

If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.

Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.

Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.

Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828

Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????

#dalle2

Hub: Let’s go see a movie

Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*

H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.

Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?

Friend: yeah

Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?

People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.

Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.

I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:

Heyyyy Macarena.

If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.

“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”

*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*

“Please continue to hold…”

I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)

These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.

Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?

Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho

I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.

“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”

KID: *goes kicking and screaming*

TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight

ADULT: Thank you so much

Stages of going to bed:

1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.

Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room

Friend: You teach first grade

I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment

Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.

Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?

Cat: I think i have a rash.

Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD

I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.

Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.

If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur