Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?

A synonym roll.

As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.

Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first

Pessimist: it’s half empty

Optimist: it’s half full

Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?

*dies and gets to hell*

I really thought I’d lived a good life.

*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*

Oh yeah. Fair enough.

I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!

i think my razor is having a panic attack

I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.

My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.

Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?

Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.

[before date]

friend: make everything about her

[date]

waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*

me: *to date* this is all your fault

Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life

A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.

Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.

sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes

“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.

me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree

my cat: *whispering* and also within

When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”

*hears someone breaking into my house*

Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!

*Texting*

HIM: Do you have any snacks?

ME: In my panty.

H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”

M: Nope.

It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”

[looking down from heaven]

darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on

Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning

Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]

Dog: You gonna eat that?

Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.

[first day on the job as a drug dealer]

*giggles*

“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”

*gets stabbed*

When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.

Paint me like one of your French girls….

With a big fat croissant in my mouth

I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.

Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.