Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.

What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?

The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.

Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.

customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese

me: sorry, we only take cash

manager: can I talk to you

date: i like guys who are mysterious

me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman

🎵 I can’t wait to

We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”

He was like “yeah, but never 3”

I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.

Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.

I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.

When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”

Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.

Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.

Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.

When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.

Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.

Me: why? What do you mean?

[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol

Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.

Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave

It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally

If Mr Krabs owned a bar

“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”

officer: give me your name

me: then what am I going to use?

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.

Blocked: 1985

penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling

can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend

それは草

Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round

My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.

How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons