Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.

I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill

I’m tired and drank a lot of coffee so now I’m tired but faster

*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*

Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.

Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.

Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.

[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over

I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.

Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.

People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.

My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.

I said, try ordering Tacos instead.

Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.

5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”

“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”

-Me laying face down on the floor

Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?

My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!

Started answering all spam texts/calls of “is this so and so?” with “no, this is Patrick.”

I cleaned under the fridge and the stove. Found 47 dog treats and 3 ibuprofen. So an even 50 treats then.

ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]

The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.

Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two

Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.

Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.

(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?

Cop: I kinda think I have to now.

“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said

Rorschach tests are like so easy. Everything’s either a demon or a butterfly and it’s up to you to decide.

[pulled over]

Cop: Have you been drinking?

Me: No

Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on

Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser