Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*

me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?

son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn

So sorry

*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?

I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals

3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body

This isn’t going to end well for you.

– me, alone in the house, to the loaf of banana bread on the counter

Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…

Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.

I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over

Me: the warrant probably

Officer: you have a broken… what

Me: what

Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.

His new catchphrase?

“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”

Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.

When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like

What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?

Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.

Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?

Me: A BIKINI BODY

T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?

Just after I finish this beer.

Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”

*20 minutes later*

Me: “No.”

I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.

That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.

You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.

me: would you like beans?

3: no

me, trying to instill manners: no…what?

3: no beans

‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury

Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?

Me: living

Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.

Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.

i was negotiating with a big but troublesome customer once about a project they wanted us to give them a schedule for without any sort of financial commitment. after a few back and forths where they weren’t getting what they wanted, they tried a new tack:

“well let’s pretend we give you guys the go ahead. what would the release date be then?”

me: “well in that case we’d pretend to give you a release date.”

there was a few moments of silence. i wasn’t invited back to future calls.

I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….

In-person meetings at the office are a wonderful way to help your developers take a break from being productive

Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.

Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.

– spider moms, probably

‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’

~Jason Voorhees, in therapy