Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
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Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
sistine chapel
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
waiting for halloween be like:
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.