Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
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“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
Oh thanks BBC.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.