Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this

I dunno why but this feels like a trap

WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.

SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.

Dear Ad Agencies,

Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.

On behalf of dog owners everywhere,

Thanks!

Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss

Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving

Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target

reasons white people riot:

1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins

[getting completely dominated in a street fight]

ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules

10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’

I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today

We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.

You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?

Meet my cat.

*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*

Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.

old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?

inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.

“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”

-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other

My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.

Angel: Whatcha makin?

God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.

Angel: That sounds innovative-

God: Others will eat them and die

Angel: …is this a prank?

[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten

[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating

Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’

Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’

Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’

left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue

People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.

[boss pulling me aside after the meeting]: I need you to quit calling me “m’lord”

Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.

Me: You had me at “get drunk.”

Friend: I didn’t say that.

Me: It’s a no from me.

CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea

Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.

Millennial: blank stare

My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.

It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.

Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?

Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list

Agency:

Me: Children are the future

her: [during sex] call me names

me: [panicking] optimus prime

Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.