Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
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Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?