Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.

Bodyguard Idea:

Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.

[planning a heist]

Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job

Me, hates going outside: nice

Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.

In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.

Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.

The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.

On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.

Me: Do you remember when I told you-

Husband: No.

No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….

If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.

Dog: I didn’t do it.

Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.

An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.

you’ve destroyed the sanctity of this gazebo you belligerent fool

If you love someone, let them sleep.

doctor: there are two wolves inside of you

me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?

doctor: won’t we all, someday?

me: shouldn’t you know?

doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy

The “research” scene in every horror movie

Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.

Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.

I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away

The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.

Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.

Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?

[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.

Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card

My two-year olds have reached the age where they can remember when I’ve told them that we’ll do something “later” and I don’t want to overstate it but I’m pretty sure this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.

Him: wanna go to your favorite place?

Me: Poundtown?!

H: I was thinking Target but—

M: no, no, your instincts were correct

Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.

Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.