FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
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Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Canada has crack?
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you